I’m at such a loss right now about what to say. There is such an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions for me to navigate that I’m completely lost. I think right now I’m going to put up a bullet point style list of what I’m dealing with and leave it there.
- The doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. At this point they’re writing off a lot of my health problems and resulting chronic pain as diagnoses that the medical communicates can’t properly define or treat. They’re also blaiming a lot of this on me because I don’t “properly manage my emotional problems and physical pain.” IE they’re all fucking ableistic, elitist, racist, colonizing, sexist, rape culture supporting pieces of shit!
- My father is dead. I found this out a few weeks ago. He passed last December and no one saw fit to tell me about it. He was horribly abusive and I never expected to hear from him, but there was a small part of me that hoped he’d attempt to make amends in his old age. The fact that he died without trying to make amends only proves how little I meant to him. I was nothing but ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, and unworthy of love because I wasn’t perfect (all of things he said to me) and this all led me to be desperate for love. I have dealt with abuse that went far beyond my father and into a lack of care, concern, and even acknowledgement by my mom and step-dad concerning the years of abuse I’ve suffered.
- I can’t even keep writing about all of this.
- I’m done. Good luck and goodbye.