Catchy Title is Eluding Me Right Now

I’m at such a loss right now about what to say. There is such an overwhelming tidal wave of emotions for me to navigate that I’m completely lost. I think right now I’m going to put up a bullet point style list of what I’m dealing with and leave it there.

  1. The doctors can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. At this point they’re writing off a lot of my health problems and resulting chronic pain as diagnoses that the medical communicates can’t properly define or treat. They’re also blaiming a lot of this on me because I don’t “properly manage my emotional problems and physical pain.” IE they’re all fucking ableistic, elitist, racist, colonizing, sexist, rape culture supporting pieces of shit!
  2. My father is dead. I found this out a few weeks ago. He passed last December and no one saw fit to tell me about it. He was horribly abusive and I never expected to hear from him, but there was a small part of me that hoped he’d attempt to make amends in his old age. The fact that he died without trying to make amends only proves how little I meant to him. I was nothing but ugly, fat, stupid, worthless, and unworthy of love because I wasn’t perfect (all of things he said to me) and this all led me to be desperate for love. I have dealt with abuse that went far beyond my father and into a lack of care, concern, and even acknowledgement by my mom and step-dad concerning the years of abuse I’ve suffered.
  3. I can’t even keep writing about all of this.
  4. I’m done. Good luck and goodbye.
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2 thoughts on “Catchy Title is Eluding Me Right Now

  1. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry that you’re sick. I’m sorry that there are no answers. I’m sorry that anything your medical team has said throws responsibility for your pain back at you. It’s not fair.

    I’m sorry that your father died. I’m even more sorry that he hurt you so much and for so long. That’s not fair, either. I understand how much it must hurt to hear that he died. That makes perfect sense.

    There’s so much pain and I know that nothing I can say will lessen it, so just know that I am thinking of you, and I’m glad that I was able to read what you’re feeling this morning. It’s an honor to bear witness to your pain. Thank you for that. ❤

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