For the last few years I’ve thought that my self-esteem was rock solid, but as the many self- discoveries have hit me I am no longer so sure.
My 36th birthday is coming up and it’s a constant reminder that I am utterly worthless. I am not worth a good fucking goddamn to the bulk of family. I’m fat, ugly, stupid, worthless, and an all around waste of all things good and true.
My father told me when I was 14 that If I wasn’t perfect then no one would love me. Those words haunt me to this day and I don’t know if they’ll ever leave me. Factor in my horrible mom who didn’t give a shit about the abuse I suffered and then there you go. It all adds up to my feelings of worthlessness.
Birthdays are a cerebration of one’s life, but my life is clearly not one worth celebrating.
I think I might have found someone worth caring about. BUT I’m too fucked up to care about anyone. I don’t know how to care for others and allow them to care for me. I’m perpetually afraid that they’ll deem me unworthy of their love and affectionate and will ultimately abuse me or leave me.
There are many people to put the blame on for this, but I’m looking at my so called parents. They’re supposed to give unconditional love and support and do all that they can to protect their children from harm. In the words of a very close friend of mine I was raised by wolves. I think wolves would have been kinder.