Curvy, Voluptuous, Chubby, Fat, & BBW Me

My weight has varied a great deal over the course of my life and I can now say that on many days I think I look/ed pretty damn good at all the sizes. I recently had someone, a man I’m possibly interested in dating, see a couple of pictures of me at my largest size. I mentioned that I had lost weight and cut my hair, but that I liked those pictures of myself. In a reply email he told me that I looked great in all the pictures, but he asked what prompted the weight lose and how I did it. I paused for a moment before answering, but I said “fuck it” and plowed ahead. Here’s the response I gave:

“The weight lose was sparked by a few things. I have chronic health problems, including chronic pain due to neck, back, and neck problems. Over the course of a few years I put on roughly 80lbs. Being sick and in pain all the time kept me from being able to work out and even be very social. I was being pumped full of steroids and other drugs that caused weight gain. I wanted to eventually loose the weight that I put on during that period.

In 2012 I had 3 very serious knee surgeries, that while excruciatingly painful, they fixed a major problem in both knees. I still have bad arthritis and next to no cartilage so I get injections in each knee about every 3 months, but I’m able to be more active now. I also have an amazing chronic pain management doctor and neurologist that are helping a great deal with the other pain I have. I’m still in a great deal of pain and I’m not running any marathons, but I can do more now than I could a few years ago. Hopefully over the course of the next few years I’ll be even better.

Now for the bad part of the weight loss. After my first knee surgery the wonderful family gene of diabetes kicked in. My doctors believe that because I’m genetically predisposed to it that the extreme stress the surgery put on my body sparked it. In Sept ’12 I was officially diagnosed. This sent me into a tailspin and sparked my old eating disorder. Diabetes does horrible things to the body even when blood sugar is properly controlled. When it’s not controlled, oh God, it’s a nightmare. My grandma went blind from it and I’m pretty sure she had diabetic dementia. I have so many health problems that are getting worse with every year and I can’t take any of the horrors that diabetes brings. I just freaked out. Food was my enemy again, but for different reason than in the past.

My first trip to the grocery store after the diagnosis gave me a panic attack. Practically every single piece of food has carbs in it and it’s way more than I’m supposed to have. I felt like there was almost nothing that was safe to eat. I restricted my food intake so much that I lost 20lbs in one month. I would get lightheaded and have to grab walls or cabinets and such to keep my balance. I was very honest with my doctors and the people in my life that I’m the close to about what was occurring. Eventually I was able to make things better for myself.

I won’t lie and say that everything’s perfect. I can’t test my blood sugar because if it’s not where I think it should be I can get a bit panicky. Sometimes I can sit down and truly love and enjoy the food I’m eating and other times I’m terrified of how it can make my body so much worse and further ruin my life. Healthy people simply can’t understand what chronic illness is like. It’s all consuming and heartbreaking. I do my best to live a life with hope and happiness, but the terror of things becoming worse is always under the surface.

So that’s the story of my weight lose.”

I did hold back on few things such as how my eating disorder is also linked to my PTSD due to my history of abuse and how I’m sure that the issue of poverty and lack of help fixing healthy meals, or any meals, after my knee surgeries played a part in my eating disorder and maybe the diabetes diagnosis. My horrific relationship with my family, and especially recent events with my mom, really helped sparked the eating disorder relapse, but there’s only so much one can share, and I shared a great deal.

Much to my surprise he told me how much he admired me and so forth. It was a great response. I’m not in the place for anything serious after the last relationship (I’ll describe in another post when I feel emotionally ready), but it certainly made me feel good.

I’ll soon give an update on my health issues and where I’ve been over the last year. I’m slowly coming out of the fog of extreme depression, PTSD, and constant panic attacks. Things are not a wonderland, but I’m finally feeling a bit better and I miss writing. Please give me encouragement and inspiration.

In solidarity,

Jen

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